What's Next!

Its time to move beyond where I've been and move forward to where I'm going!


I remember when thirty sounded old! Well time does slip away like the sands in an hour glass. I'm now retired and living a comfortable life between Florida and Minnesota. I planned years ago to retire young and I prayed that God would help me be a self supported missionary and I pray for God to use me each day for the rest of my life. To follow and be made uncomfortable!


My life's experience has taught me one thing, don't judge others for only God can really judge anyone! The struggles we each encounter can and at times do break us to the point of surrender and when we can't see where to go next, we need to be honest, and confess we've had enough and then, and only then can God shine a light of grace and forgiveness upon us. For on our own we are weak and we crumble when life's issues fall upon us. We can sink and try like hell to swim and stay afloat or we can quit fighting and grab the Lord's life vest and put it on! In my journey I've found that the most amazing spiritual people seem to be the one's who have suffered the most or confronted huge obstacles head on. Those who have stood at the doorstep of death and caught a glimpse of the next dimension. Like angels, they live among us touching everyone they come in contact with. Spreading Hope, Love, and Forgiveness! You never know when you may bump into one!


My travels and years looking out the windshield of the city bus has taught me one very important lesson about Christ and the Holy spirit. In my own way I believe Christ died a man but the spirit he left behind is more feminine than masculine! Many parts of our world are being torn apart by men and their flawed ideology's, theologies, IDIOTologies! The women are so often left to defend, comfort, support, their children and communities with determination and passion that brings tears to my eyes. I'm not saying all men are evil and all women are saints but if we look around the world at those who are causing torment and war and at those who are working to hold their families together its easy for me to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. In general women are better comforters, peace makers, gentler, and caring! Qualities found in the Holy Spirit! I found this to be true in my youth and while looking out the windshield of life!


What's next? I plan to keep moving on with my life and I look forward to trips to Mexico to visit and help friends, I'm working on becoming more involved with my friend's vision and ministry in Guatemala, I'll continue doing the Salt-Shaker meal every other month, I'm still training to help with the Red Cross, I'll spend time with Betty and mom in Florida as well as spending time in Minnesota with my kids and friends! I also would like to start up a small support fund to help mom's get out of abusive situations. A fund that can be available to help a woman pay rent, or bills, etc. I'm not sure how it will work but its something I want and need to do. The scars of abuse are passed on from generation to generation if women and kids remain in abuse with no hope of escape. My mom stayed way to long because there wasn't any help available. There are lots of programs now and many are wonderful, but some women are just scared and embarrassed to seek help. Could be a next door neighbor or a friend someone knows! Sometimes a hug, a tear, a little money can make all the difference.

To close this post I want to share my thoughts on religion. I've caused some to be angry and uncomfortable with my attack on what we call church. Pastors especially get defensive and I understand I'm a threat to their companies. Like the CEO of any corporation they have a lot at stake. That's the problem! The church is you, me, they, and anyone else who believes in a living God. It was never intended to be brought inside as a social gathering. The early church never had salaries, rent, lights, etc. The early church worked together to make a difference in the community outside their homes. They shared food, clothes, homes in order to shine a light into the world. The light can't shine if its under a basket or inside a building. What fun it would be to gather as family in Christ and enjoy a picnic in a park with food enough to share with whoever passes by. No Banners, No Preachers, No need to shine our light, God will be there to shine his/her own! Last thought, I quite going to Sunday morning services for one simple reason, I can't find a group who tries to reach out to those who are on the outskirts of our world. Christ came not for those inside the synagogues, but for those outside who were outcasts of their society. The same is still true today! So instead of socializing I go for walk and try to bring a smile, a word, and Love to all I meet! God will know his church not by what it says and preaches, but by who it helps and loves. The orphans and widows! There are many among us who are shunned and ignored and even locked behind closed doors. The church must respond!

Until another time! May Love & Blessings flow out from you! Darrell  "Hermano Joe"

Psych unit and beyond!

Life's craziness! Like all of us, my life can get overly demanding and hectic at times. So I take a breath and pray and seek God's gentleness and grace, for when its all done that's all there is anyway.  Smile, God still Luvs Us!

Happy New Year! A little late indeed!  May the New Year allow each of us to close the door on some of the ghosts in your past and may we each feel the presence of angels in our tomorrow's. Throughout our lives there are periods of darkness where the days are short and the nights are cold and long, the season's of winter! Its often a time when God is real and intimate. A time when God, like a good parent, holds us close and fixes us some hot chocolate and warms us under his/her heavenly quilt. At least I like to think that. The winters of our lives really can be damn difficult. Then when the time is ready God brings forth gentle sunshine and refreshing rains and spring once again is upon us. The buds of new growth, new adventures, new beginnings! Christmas of 73 was a dark winter for me, and in some ways I'm still looking for the warm spring rains and sunshine to come. As much as I wanted spring to come, the season's of our lives are in God's hands and in his/her time!

Post Christmas of 73 was a confusing time with some very difficult days. I don't pretend to know what happens inside our minds when every speck of love and every ounce of trust is torn away. I don't know if you believe in dark forces, evil spirits, the devil, but after the Christmas of 73 the battle for my mind and soul became evident. I somehow kept numbingly working and slipping in and out of depression. Late winter or early spring of 74 I was admitted to North Memorial hospital and spent 2 weeks in the psych ward. I remember going to the craft shop and making this belt. I'm not sure what happened to it, I imagine it disappeared along with my desire to love and trust! After being released I attended therapy for awhile and then I disappeared for a number of months. I built a fortress around my heart and spirit and said I would never again let my heart come into play, that from now on I'd think my way through life. I went back to work in a factory along side my brothers Lyle and Jerry. My divorce was final in 75 and I bought my first house in 76. My work friend Craig Bailey moved in and it was party time. Again I drank and smoked weed just about every night. Craig and I both had motorcycles and I remember flying down the freeway with not a care in the world. Many days we would go from work to the bar. Many nights I'd go to bed drunk and lonely and even when I was sober my soul would cry out from the loneliness and darkness that lie within. This may sound strange from someone who lived wild and crazy for a number of years, many think I'm crazy to this day, but I never slept around with other women. To this day I've been with only two women and I was married to both. Oh I had many chances, Craig would often bring a lady home, and there were always ladies around to hang out with. I dated a couple ladies but nothing ever came of it. I just drank and smoked and buried my feelings deeper, deeper into the darkness. I included that part as I've seen the mess people make by sleeping around, men often think its a score card or something. Plus, I didn't want to shadow my first wife! I remember my mom and family worrying about me and hoping I'd get things together. For some, match making was alive and well. Then on Labor Day week-end of 78 I was invited up to a cabin by my brother and sister-in-law who were in this bible study group and a couple in the group invited my wife Betty up. There I met the kind of people I had never met before in my life. No drinking, but this praying thing! I wasn't religious and I'm not to this day. But my battle with good and evil now would explode inside, for this is when I believe my Lord entered and the devil knew it. The battle has continues for 35 years now, and so this blog.

I went back to work and thought about where I was and where I had been and where I wanted to be in life. So about October 1st I called Betty and we went on our first date. I proposed a month later around the 1st of November and we were married in February. Whirlwind to say the least! Truth is I should have gotten much more professional help before bringing anyone into my nightmare. It took me over a year for me to even think about intimacy, and it has been difficult ever since. Because of my inability to really love or trust I have put Betty through hell on earth. Oh not physical hell, we live a very comfortable life with plenty of money and stuff to burn, and after a couple marriage counselors, we managed to have three great children, but hell as in an emotional kind of hell. I just can't let my heart and soul out of the fortress I've built inside myself. It really scares the shit out of me to think of unlocking that tomb, but it is what I need to do! It seems like I gave the key to the lock to the devil and the Lord and I are have been fighting to get it back ever since! I've lived and had some great joys followed by some very difficult sorrows! I will continue the fight until my last breathe, for inside of our deepest and darkest valley's we often find ourselves walking beside or even carried by the Lord! But these valley's were never meant to be forged alone. Its takes a close friend or family member to stand with, love with, trust with. A 2 A.M. friend we can count on! Someone to turn the key! That's where my struggle lies. Oh I love my kids, my grandson, my family and friends dearly, but to have intimate love, to let someone in close and be vulnerable. I ask myself often who I'd call at 2 A.M. if my life crumbles. I just don't know who I'd call. Many have offered and I appreciate each one. But the struggle lies inside me. Night time is by far the worst! I lie alone and pray for rest and peace. My therapist once asked me what it was like at night for me and I told her it was like looking up into the stars knowing there is something and someone special waiting in the heaven's and I dream of the love which I know awaits me there. But I'm surrounded by darkness and anxiety. At times I even have a couple of stiff drinks in order to forget! And so I wait! I guess I wait upon the Lord! And in ways the Lord has answered my cries. Besides a few close friends I have found out that the people I have been able to relax and really be myself with are children and young people and the elderly and disadvantaged. I've found that when a child loves and trust's me and I return that love and trust it is as close to God's love as it gets. All kinds of children! In my journey's to Haiti, Guatemala, Mexico, and right here at home I spend many hours with kids and young people. And to spend a few minutes talking with those on my meals on wheels route is very fulfilling. One of my greatest joys is to hold an infant and dance to gentle music. My therapist told me that in many ways I was the guardian watching over that little boy hiding under that bed so long ago. When it comes to children there is nothing I won't do for their well being.

I plan to continue my journey's into God's amazing world of living color. I find peace and comfort serving a simple meal in Minneapolis with my Salt-Shaker friends. I'll continue to help and support my two friends Kali and Megan and their ministries. I plan on becoming a Red Cross volunteer and being certified soon. I'll help with meals on wheels and wherever I can make a difference. I try each day to do a RAK (Random Act of Kindness). But I can't sit back and be an old retired man playing golf and living the good life. I'll stand beside Betty and support and watch over things. But I need to stretch out my arms and legs and finish my life committed to serving and working with my Lord. In the valley's and alley's of life!

 I will end this post with saying that Betty is a most awesome and caring lady. You that know her understand that. I'll take care of all the physical needs, financial needs, and repair needs. I've apologized a trillion times and burying it inside was eating me up. I'm a man torn in half. I take the responsibility and take care of my family like I have for so long, but I need to be responsible to my own desires to make a difference where many won't dare go. I love to step off the bus and walk where many won't. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not living the life God asks of me. I know there are a number of you who will read this and you'll understand about self forgiveness and how self destruction is always looking over your shoulder. I've been with my therapist now for over two years and with her help I reveal and confess my struggles in hope it will bring me some emotional and spiritual freedom. Along with bringing some sense of freedom for me, I hope that it may offer an avenue to others to share their struggles. Maybe not with a blog, but to open up to even a friend or seek professional help if needed. Life's stories and struggles need to be revealed and shared in order to heal. Confession is good for the soul. With some shame and guilt I close this post, you can hate me, love me, don't understand me, but now you know ME! And to those who have deep struggles of your own and just can't find that avenue for help, I'm here for you big time. Please contact me! I judge no one because only God can judge me! True freedom comes with sharing!

Love & Blessings, Darrell      Hermano Joe

Christmas "1973"

Merry Christmas to All and to ALL a Christ seeking life!

Christmas is a time for parties with family and friends, a time for shopping, a time for baking, a time to hear the Christmas story again about God becoming man. December is busy and so hectic many can hardly think. But among us are those who will spend Christmas alone, no money for shopping, no home made cookies, and no church service! The busy Inn meets the alley! The question is, if God knocks on the back door of your busy Inn, will you answer the door?

Everyone has defining moments in there lives. Moments that impact us and change us in ways unforeseen. Christmas of 1973 was one of those moments that defined me in ways I never really could grasp ahold of and in ways I never wanted to talk about. Throughout our lives we have wonderful moments inside our busy Inn's among family and friends, and we also have gut wrenching moments when we feel totally alone in the dark stable out back in the alley's of our lives. Its been forty years ago this Christmas that I spent time in hell in my own alley of life. Gut wrenching loneliness was all I felt. Christmas of 73 and the couple years before took from me the most important part of my spirit and soul. My ability to love and trust! Don't get me wrong, I love people and people love me, but surrendering myself to feel intimate love and unwavering trust just is so difficult for me. I've cried billions of tears and buried my feelings and tried to think my way through life. I don't want to end my life running and thinking, I want to be honest, open, and caring! That's why the therapist. She's a Godly woman who has had a huge impact on me! She's another lamp post shining a light on my path, for I was blind and she helps me see! I realize now, forty years later something or someone stepped beside me and inside me and slowly started to change me into the man I am today. It definitely hasn't been easy and the journey has been rough at times with many detours but now I surrender all to the one who found me in this very dark alley so long ago. While I lie in that dark corner of my own man made stable in the alley, I heard a whisper, I felt a hand, I met my Lord!

After high school I spent a year at Staples Area Vo Tech and then moved to the big city of Minneapolis to work in a factory. Brother Lyle had purchased a house and brother David and I moved in. Party Time! Well working in a factory with no windows and lots of oil, dirt, and fumes was torment for me. I lived for 4:00 P.M. each day so I could get the hell out of there. Come Friday after work it was back to partying. Why? I'd seen the ravages of what alcohol can do, I'd seen and felt the pain of alcohol abuse, yet it drew me in. Stupid? Yes! Ignorant? You Bet! Bury my Burden's? I Suppose! But those are just excuses, and I really can't answer the question why, and you'll need to ask my siblings how they each handled this difficult addiction that haunted our family and in many ways it still does. Hiding from deep struggles is poison to the soul!

It was on one of my week end trips back north to hang out and party that I met my first wife. I was 21 and she was 18. Young, stupid, and naïve. Immediately I knew I was in trouble. I couldn't keep up with partying and working and then other men started to get involved. I fought to stay in control and things just got worse. I found I couldn't trust anyone and life was drawing me inward. In October of 1973 my brother David got married and I didn't attend the wedding, I was to busy lost inside myself. In November I turned 24 and then it was "Christmas of 73"!

Christmas has been difficult ever since. Difficult because of what we make of it and difficult in my way of trying to change it! I've had some wonderful times and true joy being a dad and grandpa at Christmas. I'm so looking forward to being with my kids this Christmas and give and receive the best gift of all, love and time shared together. For six or seven years I was the Santa at Incarnation Catholic church the first Sunday of December. I held many kids and heard lots of little wishes and some crazy ones. But one little boy I will never forget. He sat on my lap and all he wanted was his dad to come back home. I was and still am crushed by a child's pain. I just held him close and whispered how much God loves him, that he was special and one of a kind in God's eyes. He smiled and nodded his head. Christmas can be difficult!

 The Christmas season starts earlier every year. Shopping, planning, parties. The real meaning of Christmas is often lost in our busyness and stress. I believe if we shopped less, partied less, spent less, and focused more everyday on being the hands and feet to a hurting world, simple joy would explode inside and the true meaning of Christmas would shine through. Its about faith becoming more than words, its taking action and being involved in Kingdom making. Living out our faith not only on Sunday, but everyday. Helping a neighbor, providing meals, giving a ride, and just being aware of our calling, to be the Lord's man's and feet. The holidays will be very lonely and difficult for many people. I've wrote about church on the inside vs people on the outside. There really is a disconnect on Christmas Eve, many go inside to worship and then go home to warmth and togetherness. Many others will be locked outside in their own prison and handcuffed to anger and pain or literally be locked outside in the cold, either way many will experience Christmas Eve alone. I wonder what it would be like to gather together with friends and family and our kids, share our own Christmas thoughts and listen to our kids thoughts on Christmas, share a simple meal, make home-made cookies and along with candy canes go out to nursing homes and shelters to spread some hope, joy, and love. Heck, just walk down the street with a smile and a cookie and wish others Merry Christmas. To spend this special day serving instead of receiving. To spend it walking instead of talking. 40 years ago it wouldn't have mattered if batman, superman, or Sam-I-am would have knocked on my door. That feeling of complete loneliness haunts me to this very day! Now with some hesitancy, nervousness, and shame I'd like to take you to my Christmas of 73! I'm not the only one to experience deep struggles and brokenness, but so many just bury it inside and let it fester and poison their lives. Anger, abuse, depression and confusion, etc. I've felt the poison of burying struggles and not talking, and I pray this blog is a sort of medicine and healing! For myself and maybe you!

Forty years ago!

Christmas of 73 was on a Tuesday so I had a four day week end starting with Saturday. I walked in Friday after work and no one was around. There had been many difficult times previous to this in my marriage so I felt alone and unable to call or talk to anyone, especially my family. It was cold, dark, and snowy. Sleeping was impossible and alcohol and weed helped. Saturday seemed like Friday and Sunday didn't happen because each day ran into each other. Monday was Christmas Eve and like many this year who will find themselves in their lonely alley, I had no inkling to what Christmas Eve was really about. Alone, drinking, high, exhausted, I went mad and started to smash everything in the apartment. Dishes, furniture, her clothes, everything. I think I passed out sometime during the night and I remember waking up to a huge mess. Christmas Day of 73, Alone and Lost! I'm not sure what happened then, I suppose I stayed high all week. New Year's eve was the same, alone and the weather outside was 20 degrees below zero. Again I stayed in my smashed apartment and drank, smoked, and just tried to survive, or maybe this was the turning point in my not wanting to survive! For most of my life I have ran from my 20's because of issues like this. This is only one chapter out of a book of many chapters. I ended up a couple months later in the psych ward at North Memorial Hospital in Minneapolis. More about that later.

Christmas of 2013 is upon us. Its been 40 years ago that I was totally lost and alone but something happened that night inside me, I didn't recognize it then, but a small flicker of a flame that would grow into this burning fire and start to devour me. I think God put my soul in his/her furnace and started the fire to purify and cleanse me. Its taken 40 years and I still feel the flame burning inside me. I am anything other than purified, the potter is still molding and gently making me. No one is pure, we all are hunks of coal hoping to become diamonds. In heaven there is no coal! In a short time after Christmas of 73 I was emptied of all self worth and I was broken and tried to end my hell on earth. Then I surrendered and Christ started to repair me. But surrendering has been a huge problem for me because it requires trust and love, the two things that haunt me. I ran, I avoided, I said go to hell God! But like a good Father, he keep pursuing me until I finally started to come around! Its never been easy surrendering, at times God and I still wrestle on the ground. I'm stubborn but God's unconditional! For me the Lord is unconditional love but also he/she wants unconditional surrender. That's damn hard, and Christ knows it. When I have detoured from my calling, like the awesome Father he is, he loves me and jerks me to attention by letting me make a mess of things. I've caused pain to others and have lost dear friends because of my stubbornness! Like the Prodigal son my Lord forgives and meets me with open arms. With each journey I surrender more and I see what is really important to my Lord. Our Lord bypassed the busy Inn and went straight to the alley, for when we are inside our lives with work, family, friends, church, meals, drinks, parties, we have no time to surrender. Its in our alley's that God becomes alive and surrendering is easier. Sickness, death, loss, loneliness, that's when God is needed and felt. We all have dark alley's, and Christ is ready to step in and help! But how? How does this happen? How does God become alive for us when we are in our alley? Through his children. ME and YOU! The Lord was born, lived, and died so we can LIVE! We are called to Love the world, not judge it. We are to do the walking and let God do the talking! Don't be afraid of dying, be afraid of NOT living! Remain "Forever Young" in spirit and this Christmas Eve pray about where God wants you to be. Its Ok to be comfortable, warm, enjoying life with family and friends, but know that our Busy Inn's have a back door and if you hear a knock, answer it, it may change your life and save someone else's!

I'm forever here for all of you in any way I can. If you know of someone alone and hurting this Christmas, use a gentle hand, a quite voice, and reach out with love. No words will be necessary, God will do all the talking! Trust Me!

Blessings upon you and your loved ones this Christmas, Love Darrell    Hermano Joe

From BULLIED to HERO to PLAIN STUPID!!

Hola Amigos!

My posts will become more and more difficult for me to write. My childhood was difficult but the actions and decisions then were not in my hands, but in my teens and beyond the decisions I made were my own. Many of them sucked big time. Some of you will be able to relate and my intention for writing this blog is to shine some light on the fact its never to late to confess and try and bring some closure to haunting decisions!

Our lives are like automobile's. Many autos are taken care of and have their oil changed and tuned up regularly and some don't. Some get driven hard and over some very rough roads while others only go to church on Sunday. Some are shiny and new and fly down the highway's while others are old an rusty and just putt along. But whether they are new or old, shiny or rusty, fast or slow,  they are still just automobile's.  People also are new and shiny, old and rusty, flashy and well tuned, plain and modest. Often times when a car crashes its so damaged its junked out and forgotten. People also run off the highway of life and some like auto's are so damaged they become forever stuck and forgotten. That's where auto's and people seperate. For God has given us a brain, heart, and soul so he/she can dwell in us and show love and mercy to each other. I feel we are called to step off our busy highways at times and help out when God calls. Whether that's going to Africa to work among the poor or helping out an elderly neighbor with racking leaves. We should be willing to stop, get off our highway, and be present in others lives. Especially if we have children. I have always felt that God's love has to be more than words, it should call from inside and encourage us to step out of ourselves and show God's love with a smile, a nudge, a hug, and to just be "Present"!

My highway of life has had some ups and downs and even some serious crashes. In time I managed to get back on the highway and I tried so hard to stay in control of my steering wheel, until about 10 years ago when I started doing my trips into the world. At first they were called mission trips, taking my God whom I found in my study and prayer. I listened to preachers, read books, involved with a number of bible studies so I was prepared to take my God into the world. Well, I found out that God was already there! Heck, he/she didn't need my thoughts and words, all that was asked of me is to let Christ use my hands and feet and let God do all the talking. Now my trips are just God helping trips. I love, I hug, I laugh, and I just play with the kids and for a moment of time, joy is served to everyone! To walk with and not just talk to! I'm called to love all I encounter and leave any judging to God! I've sat with, ate with, talked with, and worshiped with some very, very poor people. But poverty is not a death sentence! Not having a loving person in someone's life is! That unconditional love of a mom, or dad, or just anyone who takes the TIME to love and encourage a child makes all the difference. Its not about money, place, or things! Its all about unconditional LOVE! But even though I felt my mom's unconditional love I made some real stupid choice's! Mom had a third grade education and spent many years in abuse. Her one dream was for us kids to graduate high school, and we did. But my own experience as a parent is that unconditional love is essential, but needs to be supported by guidance, encouragement, exposure to multiple ideas and cultures, and to walk and explore the world beside our children so they can find their own faith and truth! If children are able to see, hear, touch, taste beside a loving and caring adult they will see God! Even if they drive off the highway and get lost once in awhile down their own road of life, (which I personally think they should), those key lamp posts in their lives will shine through and bring them back.

"Mountain Top"

My brothers and I found that living in a small rural town could be fun and safe to run and explore in. There was a woods and creek just across the street from our house and we spent many hours hanging out in those woods. I can still hear mom yelling for us boys to come in for dinner. My sisters were older and along with brother Bill they were off working, married, and putting together their own lives. I've heard many horror stories about why my sisters left so young, but they are just stories and I simply believe it was safer and easier to try and make it on their own than live inside a home where at times it probably felt more like a torture chamber than a home. Brother Bill and all four of my sisters were so different but awesome in each their own way. I have so many wonderful memories of each one. All four of my sisters and brother Bill are all gone now and again I wish they each could have wrote their own blog and shared some of their own memories. The loss of my sisters and oldest brother and of course mom is kind of like losing a part of my own body and soul. "Though my body still breathe's and has life, there are parts that are now empty and void! But I don't fear dying, I fear not living each moment of each day!"

Around 1960 my oldest sister and my brother-in-law had bought this very small house for mom which had belonged to my grandfather before he died. It was a 2 car garage converted into a very small house. It had two tiny bedrooms, one larger front room which was the kitchen, dining room, and living room all in one. In one corner there was a hand pump for water with a small sink, across the room was a fuel oil burner for heat. Many cold mornings we would run out of the bedroom and get close to the heater. We heated water on the stove in order to take a bath. Across the driveway was the outhouse which I remember being tons of fun in the middle of winter! Frost bite in the winter, spiders in the summer. Playing sports along with physical-education class at school allowed me to have a nice warm shower which felt so good and so much better than bathing in a galvanized washtub. In this small house is where us 4 younger boys graduated from high school. After mom's divorce was final she was able to go on Government assistance and got a small check each month along with dental and health care. So with this small check, health care, and food commodities mom was happier and our lives improved. Mom was thankful but her desire was to someday make it on her own. And she did! I thank God our government was there at that difficult time for us. I strongly believe a government that helps take care of the least of its people, is a Godly government! Heck, a community of people that takes care of those in need is where my Lord lives! Religion is about building a bigger church, a bigger congregation, and fancier pew pads. While a simple faith in the living God moves us to lend a hand to our family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers!!

"From Mountain Top to Deep Valley"

For the fourth start year we started in a new school, this time I was in fourth grade. Our home life was much better, but school really sucked. I'm still not sure why we were looked at as outsiders, but to the other students we were. Picked on and bullied you learn to fight, or run, or avoid some people, and I guess I learned to do them all. It didn't take long for this 10 year old to get tired of fighting, running, and so I avoided school all together. Mom had only a third grade education so she couldn't help with homework and I didn't confide in her about being bullied. I failed 5th grade and things really sucked then. I hated school so much! And then one day at recess my life changed in a single moment of time. I remember as if it was yesterday. I was standing by the corner of the playground away from all the other kids and a football came rolling over to me. Some of the boys were yelling for me to throw it back and I picked it up and kicked it to them. The ball sailed over their heads and they looked back at me with shocked faces. Well in those few seconds that it took to pick up the ball and kick it I became  some kind of a hero. I was being mugged and hugged and asked to join their team. I wasn't wanted or excepted until they knew I could help their team, in many ways life hasn't changed much for kids today, and in the daily lives of so many adults. My struggles in the classroom continued, but on the athletic field I was seen as sort of a king. I was often chosen to be captain of a team and had to pick from my classmates. My days of being bullied and feeling alone must have helped me when I chose my teams. I had this classmate who was different and often would be the last one picked. Harold was smart, quite and not athletic. Another classmate, Doug, had a learning disability and was slow and awkward.  Both Harold and Doug were good sized kids so I picked them for my basketball teammates! We kicked butt and I look back with a smile on my face and even more the smile on their faces. I learned at an early age to care for the underdog because I was one. Last time I saw Harold was in 1978 at my one and only class reunion and he was well educated and working and  living  in downtown Minneapolis. I found out he was gay and now everything from our years in school made sense. Last I heard of Doug was many years ago and he was still home on his parents farm, happy and content. I now believe Doug and Harold along with many others, were lamp posts, brought into my life to shine a light on my path. Even in my deepest struggles those lamp posts from my past were shining a light on me. At times throughout my life I have wandered in the darkness, but the light, maybe only a flicker at times, was always there.

In middle school I played basketball, football, and baseball. School work remained very difficult with math being my strongest class. I was so scared to speak in front of the class and in 7th grade I started to stutter. To this very day I have moments when its difficult to speak. Basketball was my favorite sport and in my sophomore and junior years I was the leading scorer on the team. (I've attended many games as a parent and friend. I love to watch youth sports. I imagine that comes from no family member ever coming to one of  my games. I believe support and encouragement is so important to our children in all they do!) It was in the end of my junior year when things started to go sour. I started chasing with the wrong guys. Alcohol and partying started and I have many regrets from those decisions. My basketball coach, Norm Stolley, wrote me a personal letter and told me I was good enough to maybe get a 3D scholarship! But for me the partying continued and in my senior year there was no basketball. Even the cheerleaders cornered my begging for me to join the team. Shame and guilt haunts me today! Upon graduation Mrs Axum handed me my diploma and said. "We debated if we should give you this"! They did but those words still haunt me! Because of my decision, college never happened!

Next post will be more difficult. From a broken marriage to a two week stint in the psych ward!

Looking back I probably should not be here. I realize now I'm here because God wants me to be here and hopefully shed some light on abuse and mental illness!

Blessings to all who read this, Darrell   (Brother Joe)

A note to my young friends who are mom's and dad's. My faith in God is from my stepping into this awesome world of living color. I try to encourage everyone, but especially you parents to stop, step back from your busy human made schedules and walk beside your kids. Walking is just a whole better way to show God's love than just talking!

THE EARLY YEARS!

Welcome!

Most of you are much younger than I am and have many more miles to go. Over the past couple decades I've had many one on one talks and walks. I've listened and tried to shed a little light on some pressing issues others had. I found out that listening is extremely important, but if we only listen we get in real trouble. Everyone needs an avenue to share life's stories. The good but even more the bad. "ESPECIALLY MEN"! Many of us are good at burying stuff, but stink when it comes to sharing stuff! So this blog is born!

All families have ghosts hiding in their closets! Things happen that we just can't or don't want to or just plain refuse to talk about. Things go by for days, weeks, months, years. Sometimes things never get dealt with and go to the grave totally hidden forever. That's fine if it don't haunt someone. My own experience is that it is much better to expose any darkness to the light. Confessing, forgiveness, and just plain talking and sharing with someone brings some light upon any issue. My hope is to reach out and expose some of my mountain top experiences along with some deep valley's and some hidden ghosts! May my writing help and encourage others with haunting ghosts to reach out to a friend, family member, or professional! I'm no professional but I'll talk with anyone about anything just name the time!

Before I begin with the early years I want to say how much I love and how proud I am of my kids. Three awesome children and I thank my wife Betty for being so caring, and thoughtful, and such a loving mom. I believe it takes a village to raise a child, but the unconditional love of a mom is an extremely powerful force. And it lasts a lifetime! As for myself I remember making a conscious decision at the very moment the doctor held up my oldest son Adam, and as tears flowed and shock and fear set in, I promised I would always be there through hell or high water, that I would never put anything between me and my kids. I had nothing to draw from as a role model so I knew I'd make a lot of mistakes. My only thought was that I'd love my children unconditionally! My journey into fatherhood would have its ups and downs, but unconditional love would sustain me!  I learned about and felt unconditional love from my mom, that love saved my life and I knew it would carry me through all obstacles that lie ahead. I promised God and I believe God promised me he/she would always be beside me.

I was born the youngest of ten, I know my memory of childhood is different than those of my siblings. I've heard all kinds of stories from my brothers and sisters but they are just that, their stories. I will try hard to write only what I have experienced myself.

HIGH MOUNTAINS!

My earliest memories are distorted. I remember times of fun and times of joy and there were times of hell on earth. I was very fortunate to have one of God's angels for a mom. She was always there caring, loving, and trying to protect. My parents separated when I was seven and my mom moved to rural Todd county in Minnesota. I remember not having much money but mom always supplied great meals from whatever there was. Many times we ate squirrel and thought it was filet mignon! Once a month I would go with mom to the county seat for commodities. (Government surplus food), cheese, powder milk, rice, etc. I'd carry a small box and take the things I could carry while mom carried the heavier box. I remember mom being humble and grateful for these helpful food items out of which she made awesome food like homemade bread and treats. (In many ways I see that same humble and grateful spirit in the mom's we serve at Holy Rosary. For its in the preparing, serving, and breaking of bread so many lives are touched and stories told). Growing up we never had a phone until I was starting high school so family and friends would just stop in and mom always had something to serve. Homemade cookies and the coffee was always on. My love for gardening and being outside probably came from being out in the garden with mom. She would hoe, plant, water and nurture not only her garden but also me with a gentle smile and heavenly hymns like, How Great Thou Art, In the Garden, and Wings of a Dove! Mom didn't preach with words, she lived out her faith in living. She had this scent of heaven all around her. Being a small child with this amazing mom allowed me to see God's true church. ("God's church is one that loves and takes care of the orphans and widows, not just in words but in deeds"! And "whatever you do to the least of God's children you do to him/her"! And a life's lesson I live by today! "Don't store up blessings on this earth where they will rust or be stolen, but share God's blessings, and be always ready for God to ask you to share your blessings with others! Food, time, resources, everything!)  Many people helped mom in those years, each one allowing themselves to be made available for the Lord's hands and feet! Thanks and God Bless to all I remember and to so many I have never known or met! I have often wondered and prayed about those early years and why this amazing mom was tied to this uncontrollable man, My Father!

The years have a way of tempering our memories and after so many questions with no answers, I have mellowed and survived long enough to become old and gray. I now realize my father had his own ghosts chasing him. (I call him father because any man can make a baby, but it takes time, energy, devotion to be called a DAD!) While preparing to write this blog I spent many hours, days, months just writing myself notes, searching memories with my therapist, and just soul searching myself. My one regret is I wish my father could have wrote his own blog about the ghosts that chased him, maybe then I could have called him dad!

DEEP VALLEY!!

To look back on those years when I was about 3 to 7 brings so much confusion and pain. In those early years children learn so much. Reading, writing, arithmetic. They learn to share and care about others and themselves. They are also taught the most important element of life, how to Love and Trust! I didn't love or trust my father because of the abuse he put mom, me and my siblings through. I always loved mom but couldn't really trust her because as much as she wanted to, even putting herself in between me and the monster, she couldn't stop him when he was drunk and mad! Children learn to defend for themselves and build emotional walls and barriers from the world they live in. Without proper help and guidance the trauma can destroy a child's promise's and dreams and last for a lifetime. It takes a quiet ear, a keen eye, and the power of "Presence"!

We were living in New Brighten, Mn. when I started kindergarden. I don't remember having many friends and school was OK I think. It was after school that wasn't OK. Things were fine until my father came home drinking, which it seemed like every night. Memories of mom yelling to us kids to go hide because dad was home drunk. I'd run into our bedroom and crawl under the bed to the farthest corner and wait and pray he didn't find me! At times he did, and TERRIFIED is the only word I can think of. Mom's screams and things being broken echoed in my ears, and then silence. I believe to this day I was conceived out of rape. To this very day I'd do anything I can to help an abused mom, for those memories are burned into my soul like a branding iron!

My parents were out shopping one evening and us boys were out in the yard playing football. Well I got tackled and broke my collar bone and I went in the house feeling ill and not sure what happened to me. I remember when my father got home from shopping he was so angry I had got hurt he walked right up to me and lifted me out of the chair by the front of my shirt and shook the hell out of me. I don't remember how much it hurt, all I remember is being TERRIFIED! I wish I could think of one good experience about my father from my early years, but I can't. It bothers me I can't even think of one hug, maybe that's why a hug is extremely important to me. A hug for me is my way of showing unconditional love to all God brings into my life. Some men are taken back by my direct hug and I've been told a few times that I was the first man to ever give them a hug. Your never to old to show God's amazing love with a hug, especially for our boys!

At the time my father had a good job and so he bought a new 55 oldsmobile. He came home late one night and parked the car in the garage and a short time later the garage and house were on fire. To this day I have no idea what happened, maybe drunk and smoking! I can still smell the smoke scorched walls. A short time later I believe he lost his job and our house to drinking and he moved to Florida around 1956 or 1957. That's when mom and us kids moved North to Todd County, MN. We lived in a small country house with only a wood stove to heat and cook with. Squirrel is served! Every house we lived in then had no running water and no bathroom. Outhouse was it! Spiders in the summer and FROST in the winter! We had this black and white T.V. but the area we moved to had no T.V. stations. I remember sitting around that T.V. when channel 7 from Alexandria, MN first came on. Cartoons!! Saturday mornings were never the same again. My older brother Jerry and I would walk into the woods, Jerry with a single shot 22 rifle and I carrying a burlap bag. The bag often became so full of squirrels that it seemed about impossible to carry. Those days were filled with good memories of hunting and chasing around in the woods. Then our drunken father showed up again and hell was back. One night he came home drunk and mad and knocked mom down on the floor with his fist and dragged her across the room by her hair. Pulling out handful's. He picked up a wooden chair and was about to hit her with it when my brother Jerry, about 15 at the time, stood between mom and the madman. Our mom tried so hard to protect her kids but couldn't, I'm just very grateful Jerry was there to stop the madman! Thanks Jerry, I've never forgotten that moment. Again our father disappeared and with the help of my sisters mom filed for divorce.

A side note that relates from my past to today is health and dental care. My mom's teeth were rooted off at the gum line and she had so many toothaches she would pack them with aspirin to stop the pain. I was 13 when I first went to the dentist. Dr. Larson in Eagle Bend, Mn. I remember it very well. My teeth were so bad and he was so angry he just screamed at my mom about not taking care of our teeth. 3 appointments later he had pulled most of my molars. Health care wise, I was the only one out of ten kids that was born in the hospital and I can't remember ever having a checkup of any sorts until I started playing sports in school. Until mom got divorced there was no health or dental care and after her divorce we went on government assistance. Mom got dentures and I had my teeth fixed and all was much better. Health care then was a privilege for the haves and blessed. I now have great insurance and I am so blessed and thankful. But that's just bull-shit! I came from no care to total care because I was privileged to have a good job with benefits. That's bull-shit to! Health care should never be a privilege, health care is a God giving right for all of God's people. Rich, poor, black, white, christian, muslim, man, woman, old, young, EVERYONE!!!!

HIGH MOUNTAIN

We again moved to another small country house that wasn't fit to be lived in. I remember looking out between the ceiling and chimney and seeing daylight. It was so cold that in the morning we had to break ice off the top of the water bucket in order to get a drink. We slept two to a bed in order to stay warm. Mom slept by the wood stove and got up at night to stoke the fire so it wouldn't go out. I was in third grade and my brothers and I walked a mile and a half to this one room school house with only one teacher. Mrs. Laclair was a kind and gentle soul and she taught all classes alone. I think the grades were K thru 6.Classes were very small with only one or two students in some classes. A fond memory at this school was the big wood burning stove used to heat the building. We were allowed to bring a hotdog wrapped in aluminum foil and place it on top of the stove so it was nice and hot for lunch. The aroma of cooking hotdogs filled the room, a wonderful memory that has stayed with me all these years.
 Our house was by a small pond and as boys we loved to mess around by it. One fall day when it was cold enough to form a thin sheet of ice on it, brother Lyle and I were running back and forth across it and as the ice moved and swayed from our weight, it suddenly broke and down we went. Up to my neck in freezing cold water. Slipping and sliding I finally got traction enough to get out and ran home. Its my earliest memory of being touched by an angel. Maybe pushed is more accurate! My clothes were frozen stiff and so was I! We were always looking for adventure and one day we made a parachute out of a burlap sack and as I was the youngest and smallest, guess who jumped out of the hayloft and nearly broke his neck. I did have my share of broken bones, one arm and collar bones three times. All before I was 10. Many other events confirms in my soul that I had a guardian angel watching over me! Again I fondly remember living in that old country house, our father wasn't around anymore to beat on mom or us kids. I'm sure it was very difficult for mom but she made the most out of the little she had. Then we moved into the small rural town of Clarissa, population 500! I thought we were in New York City! A Variety Store, a drug store with a soda counter where they made real cherry-cokes, 2 small restaurants, and even a movie theater! I remember going to a movie for what I believe was 25 cents. 15 cents for the ticket, and 5 cents for pop and five cents for a candy bar! But the peace and calm wouldn't last long, not in a small rural town where it seemed we were seen as outsiders, from the wrong side of the tracks, and being from a broken home. In the 50's not many women got divorced, quit a stigma about divorce back then and also no real opportunities to leave. Even today some women have a hell of a time just trying to keep their families safe, staying in an abused situation because like my mom they are often uneducated, oppressed, and enslaved! I believe with all my heart, (To change the World, Empower the Women)! Next post will be my teen years. Bullied to Hero to Stupidity!

Blessings to all who read this! Darrell    (Brother Joe)

For my young family members and friends: Please don't be afraid of this amazing world, Step into it with an open mind and open heart and let God touch you each in your own way! For everything you know has been taught, we own no truths of our own unless we take what we were taught and put them to the test! Religion is taught faith, an owned faith is one that's been tested and found true! Faith isn't the words we say, its the steps we walk! Love, laugh, and enjoy God's awesome world of living color!

"Rear View Mirror"

Why a blog? After many conversations, life-changing journey's into God's amazing world of living color, along with a lifetime of struggles and joys, I've been encouraged to tell my stories and share with family and friends things many feel but can't express! 

Why Hermano Joe?  Hermano Joe is my name south of the border. Spanish speaking people have a hard time with the R's and L's of Darrell so I just said "Call me Joe"! Over time it became "Brother Joe"!

I decided to write this blog to try an explain to my family and friends my lifelong journey beginning from my earliest memories. Over time I will reveal stories and journey's that will help describe how this crazy old retired bus driver became so CRAZY! Stories from a difficult childhood to stories of looking out the windshield of the bus. Stories about how I found God or maybe how God found me! I'll try and tell how I felt about being a dad, becoming a man of faith, and why I now journey to places some try to avoid! Some things you may laugh about, some things you may get angry about, and there are things few people know about me and because of that I write this blog. The words you will read are from an anxious spirit and tested soul and together I'll try and tell what is really on my heart. This blog is entirely my blog, and I and only I will take full responsibility for it! Please realize this blog is about my life's experiences and its not about right and wrong, black and white, true or false. My life has much more gray and so many unanswered questions. For the only real truth I have is "There is a God, and that God is alive in all people"! We each encounter life in our own way. My hope is this blog may help others to open up and step out of their own human made traps and snares!  If you would like to ask me any question please text, e-mail, call, or FB me, or respond with a comment below! 

At times in our lives we all look into the ""rear view mirror" of our lives. We all will find times of smiles, joyful memories, and awesome hugs and stories. We will also find not so joyful memories, and times of tears and times of brokenness. Most people do fine and with the help of family and friends they move forward and patch the pot holes they have encountered.  But there are some who suffer such deep trauma and without help become handcuffed to the rear view mirror! Depression, confusion, shame, guilt, and self destruction develops! Some try to shrug it off and continue on, some live all their lives in brokenness not knowing what is wrong or where to go, while others desire to just bury it in a bottle! I tried the bottle, a few drugs, and for the past 30+ years I tried hard to forget and live a normal life. But my rear view mirror was my constant companion. Struggles and problems from years ago have haunted me and nearly drove me mad. Not one night goes by without me crying out to God and feeling a deep loneliness!

Many of my family and friends have asked about me, worried about me, and just want to know more about this strange retired bus driver. Why do I put on a meal in South Minneapolis for the disadvantaged? Why do I journey to places like Haiti, Guatemala, Mexico? Why do I stand alongside and support the mom's and women of this world? And why do I believe God is she as much as he? I'll try and explain the many reason's for my actions and beliefs. Some people think I'm nuts, many just don't understand me, and there are those who just want to give advice and fix things! But for some things there are no answer! Those who have taken time to know me understand the very depth of my faith and my motivation to love and hug all of God's people, especially children, and how my past has laid a foundation for the man I am today, both good and bad! My intentions for writing this blog is to put into words the great joys and the very long struggle I've encountered. After a near spiritual and emotional breakdown I sought help a couple years ago and my therapist has helped me tremendously. It is her nudge and encouragement that calls me to write this blog. No one knows about my first 30 years of life. I have no contact from anyone from those years, except a couple brothers. Some know a few things, and some think they know but don't! The deep struggles ate away at me. Shame, guilt were my constant companions! Things happened then that lie under the surface and caused serious emotional, spiritual, and sexual problems throughout my life. You don't have to believe this, you can judge me, (But ONLY God can really judge anyone) or you can just say its bull-shit and not read more. But I will try to be as honest and as open as I can. There are some things only the Lord and I know, and it needs to stay that way. 

My hope is to write a post every few weeks and I plan to start with my very first memories, for many of my beautiful nieces and nephews and great-nieces and nephews know little about the early years of our family so this maybe some living history for them. I'm done with man's religion, although I have a very deep faith in God. I judge no one because only God can judge me. I love my kids dearly and double love my grandson, but intimate love is non existent. Most every night I lie in bed alone and cry out to God, for only God can heal a heart and soul. Upon telling my story I hope to find some sort of peace from the nightmares and long struggles. To move forward and finish my life walking in the alley's of people's lives. Its easy to walk on the mountain tops of our lives together and see clearly and yell loudly, but to walk alongside someone in the dark valley's takes spiritual eyes, still ears, listening for God's whisper! The very power and meaning of "Being Present"! To "forgive" someone for the pain they have caused you is one thing, to ask for forgiveness for the pain you have caused someone else is another, but to ask yourself to forgive yourself for the pains you have caused is quite another. There are many problems that cause depression, chemical dependency, homelessness, and suicide, but I believe the inability to forgive one's self is close to the top. 

To end my first post I just want to say, everyone needs a 2 A.M. friend to confide in! Someone you can call at 2 A.M. when life crashes down on you. Truth is I'm still looking for that friend! Please understand I have many awesome friends who have sat and talked with me and want to be my 2 A.M. friend. But the real issue is inside me, like many people who live on the fringes of every society, my ability to love and trust has been impossible. I have a very, very difficult time letting anyone come in close contact with my heart and soul! The fortress or tomb is impenetrabe! The world is filled with those on the outside of religion who live in their own human made fortress and for whatever reason I find myself trying to bridge that gap from those on the inside to those on the outside! At any time if you would like to meet for coffee an talk or walk let me know. I've seen the hand-cuffs of not talking and the pain of not knowing. Please remember that many live out their lives not talking or telling their story, and many are our friends, family, co-workers, and the lady next door. Life's stories need to be told. The presence of an ear is a powerful thing!

Peace & Blessings until next time, Darrell   (Hermano Joe)