Psych unit and beyond!

Life's craziness! Like all of us, my life can get overly demanding and hectic at times. So I take a breath and pray and seek God's gentleness and grace, for when its all done that's all there is anyway.  Smile, God still Luvs Us!

Happy New Year! A little late indeed!  May the New Year allow each of us to close the door on some of the ghosts in your past and may we each feel the presence of angels in our tomorrow's. Throughout our lives there are periods of darkness where the days are short and the nights are cold and long, the season's of winter! Its often a time when God is real and intimate. A time when God, like a good parent, holds us close and fixes us some hot chocolate and warms us under his/her heavenly quilt. At least I like to think that. The winters of our lives really can be damn difficult. Then when the time is ready God brings forth gentle sunshine and refreshing rains and spring once again is upon us. The buds of new growth, new adventures, new beginnings! Christmas of 73 was a dark winter for me, and in some ways I'm still looking for the warm spring rains and sunshine to come. As much as I wanted spring to come, the season's of our lives are in God's hands and in his/her time!

Post Christmas of 73 was a confusing time with some very difficult days. I don't pretend to know what happens inside our minds when every speck of love and every ounce of trust is torn away. I don't know if you believe in dark forces, evil spirits, the devil, but after the Christmas of 73 the battle for my mind and soul became evident. I somehow kept numbingly working and slipping in and out of depression. Late winter or early spring of 74 I was admitted to North Memorial hospital and spent 2 weeks in the psych ward. I remember going to the craft shop and making this belt. I'm not sure what happened to it, I imagine it disappeared along with my desire to love and trust! After being released I attended therapy for awhile and then I disappeared for a number of months. I built a fortress around my heart and spirit and said I would never again let my heart come into play, that from now on I'd think my way through life. I went back to work in a factory along side my brothers Lyle and Jerry. My divorce was final in 75 and I bought my first house in 76. My work friend Craig Bailey moved in and it was party time. Again I drank and smoked weed just about every night. Craig and I both had motorcycles and I remember flying down the freeway with not a care in the world. Many days we would go from work to the bar. Many nights I'd go to bed drunk and lonely and even when I was sober my soul would cry out from the loneliness and darkness that lie within. This may sound strange from someone who lived wild and crazy for a number of years, many think I'm crazy to this day, but I never slept around with other women. To this day I've been with only two women and I was married to both. Oh I had many chances, Craig would often bring a lady home, and there were always ladies around to hang out with. I dated a couple ladies but nothing ever came of it. I just drank and smoked and buried my feelings deeper, deeper into the darkness. I included that part as I've seen the mess people make by sleeping around, men often think its a score card or something. Plus, I didn't want to shadow my first wife! I remember my mom and family worrying about me and hoping I'd get things together. For some, match making was alive and well. Then on Labor Day week-end of 78 I was invited up to a cabin by my brother and sister-in-law who were in this bible study group and a couple in the group invited my wife Betty up. There I met the kind of people I had never met before in my life. No drinking, but this praying thing! I wasn't religious and I'm not to this day. But my battle with good and evil now would explode inside, for this is when I believe my Lord entered and the devil knew it. The battle has continues for 35 years now, and so this blog.

I went back to work and thought about where I was and where I had been and where I wanted to be in life. So about October 1st I called Betty and we went on our first date. I proposed a month later around the 1st of November and we were married in February. Whirlwind to say the least! Truth is I should have gotten much more professional help before bringing anyone into my nightmare. It took me over a year for me to even think about intimacy, and it has been difficult ever since. Because of my inability to really love or trust I have put Betty through hell on earth. Oh not physical hell, we live a very comfortable life with plenty of money and stuff to burn, and after a couple marriage counselors, we managed to have three great children, but hell as in an emotional kind of hell. I just can't let my heart and soul out of the fortress I've built inside myself. It really scares the shit out of me to think of unlocking that tomb, but it is what I need to do! It seems like I gave the key to the lock to the devil and the Lord and I are have been fighting to get it back ever since! I've lived and had some great joys followed by some very difficult sorrows! I will continue the fight until my last breathe, for inside of our deepest and darkest valley's we often find ourselves walking beside or even carried by the Lord! But these valley's were never meant to be forged alone. Its takes a close friend or family member to stand with, love with, trust with. A 2 A.M. friend we can count on! Someone to turn the key! That's where my struggle lies. Oh I love my kids, my grandson, my family and friends dearly, but to have intimate love, to let someone in close and be vulnerable. I ask myself often who I'd call at 2 A.M. if my life crumbles. I just don't know who I'd call. Many have offered and I appreciate each one. But the struggle lies inside me. Night time is by far the worst! I lie alone and pray for rest and peace. My therapist once asked me what it was like at night for me and I told her it was like looking up into the stars knowing there is something and someone special waiting in the heaven's and I dream of the love which I know awaits me there. But I'm surrounded by darkness and anxiety. At times I even have a couple of stiff drinks in order to forget! And so I wait! I guess I wait upon the Lord! And in ways the Lord has answered my cries. Besides a few close friends I have found out that the people I have been able to relax and really be myself with are children and young people and the elderly and disadvantaged. I've found that when a child loves and trust's me and I return that love and trust it is as close to God's love as it gets. All kinds of children! In my journey's to Haiti, Guatemala, Mexico, and right here at home I spend many hours with kids and young people. And to spend a few minutes talking with those on my meals on wheels route is very fulfilling. One of my greatest joys is to hold an infant and dance to gentle music. My therapist told me that in many ways I was the guardian watching over that little boy hiding under that bed so long ago. When it comes to children there is nothing I won't do for their well being.

I plan to continue my journey's into God's amazing world of living color. I find peace and comfort serving a simple meal in Minneapolis with my Salt-Shaker friends. I'll continue to help and support my two friends Kali and Megan and their ministries. I plan on becoming a Red Cross volunteer and being certified soon. I'll help with meals on wheels and wherever I can make a difference. I try each day to do a RAK (Random Act of Kindness). But I can't sit back and be an old retired man playing golf and living the good life. I'll stand beside Betty and support and watch over things. But I need to stretch out my arms and legs and finish my life committed to serving and working with my Lord. In the valley's and alley's of life!

 I will end this post with saying that Betty is a most awesome and caring lady. You that know her understand that. I'll take care of all the physical needs, financial needs, and repair needs. I've apologized a trillion times and burying it inside was eating me up. I'm a man torn in half. I take the responsibility and take care of my family like I have for so long, but I need to be responsible to my own desires to make a difference where many won't dare go. I love to step off the bus and walk where many won't. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not living the life God asks of me. I know there are a number of you who will read this and you'll understand about self forgiveness and how self destruction is always looking over your shoulder. I've been with my therapist now for over two years and with her help I reveal and confess my struggles in hope it will bring me some emotional and spiritual freedom. Along with bringing some sense of freedom for me, I hope that it may offer an avenue to others to share their struggles. Maybe not with a blog, but to open up to even a friend or seek professional help if needed. Life's stories and struggles need to be revealed and shared in order to heal. Confession is good for the soul. With some shame and guilt I close this post, you can hate me, love me, don't understand me, but now you know ME! And to those who have deep struggles of your own and just can't find that avenue for help, I'm here for you big time. Please contact me! I judge no one because only God can judge me! True freedom comes with sharing!

Love & Blessings, Darrell      Hermano Joe