From BULLIED to HERO to PLAIN STUPID!!

Hola Amigos!

My posts will become more and more difficult for me to write. My childhood was difficult but the actions and decisions then were not in my hands, but in my teens and beyond the decisions I made were my own. Many of them sucked big time. Some of you will be able to relate and my intention for writing this blog is to shine some light on the fact its never to late to confess and try and bring some closure to haunting decisions!

Our lives are like automobile's. Many autos are taken care of and have their oil changed and tuned up regularly and some don't. Some get driven hard and over some very rough roads while others only go to church on Sunday. Some are shiny and new and fly down the highway's while others are old an rusty and just putt along. But whether they are new or old, shiny or rusty, fast or slow,  they are still just automobile's.  People also are new and shiny, old and rusty, flashy and well tuned, plain and modest. Often times when a car crashes its so damaged its junked out and forgotten. People also run off the highway of life and some like auto's are so damaged they become forever stuck and forgotten. That's where auto's and people seperate. For God has given us a brain, heart, and soul so he/she can dwell in us and show love and mercy to each other. I feel we are called to step off our busy highways at times and help out when God calls. Whether that's going to Africa to work among the poor or helping out an elderly neighbor with racking leaves. We should be willing to stop, get off our highway, and be present in others lives. Especially if we have children. I have always felt that God's love has to be more than words, it should call from inside and encourage us to step out of ourselves and show God's love with a smile, a nudge, a hug, and to just be "Present"!

My highway of life has had some ups and downs and even some serious crashes. In time I managed to get back on the highway and I tried so hard to stay in control of my steering wheel, until about 10 years ago when I started doing my trips into the world. At first they were called mission trips, taking my God whom I found in my study and prayer. I listened to preachers, read books, involved with a number of bible studies so I was prepared to take my God into the world. Well, I found out that God was already there! Heck, he/she didn't need my thoughts and words, all that was asked of me is to let Christ use my hands and feet and let God do all the talking. Now my trips are just God helping trips. I love, I hug, I laugh, and I just play with the kids and for a moment of time, joy is served to everyone! To walk with and not just talk to! I'm called to love all I encounter and leave any judging to God! I've sat with, ate with, talked with, and worshiped with some very, very poor people. But poverty is not a death sentence! Not having a loving person in someone's life is! That unconditional love of a mom, or dad, or just anyone who takes the TIME to love and encourage a child makes all the difference. Its not about money, place, or things! Its all about unconditional LOVE! But even though I felt my mom's unconditional love I made some real stupid choice's! Mom had a third grade education and spent many years in abuse. Her one dream was for us kids to graduate high school, and we did. But my own experience as a parent is that unconditional love is essential, but needs to be supported by guidance, encouragement, exposure to multiple ideas and cultures, and to walk and explore the world beside our children so they can find their own faith and truth! If children are able to see, hear, touch, taste beside a loving and caring adult they will see God! Even if they drive off the highway and get lost once in awhile down their own road of life, (which I personally think they should), those key lamp posts in their lives will shine through and bring them back.

"Mountain Top"

My brothers and I found that living in a small rural town could be fun and safe to run and explore in. There was a woods and creek just across the street from our house and we spent many hours hanging out in those woods. I can still hear mom yelling for us boys to come in for dinner. My sisters were older and along with brother Bill they were off working, married, and putting together their own lives. I've heard many horror stories about why my sisters left so young, but they are just stories and I simply believe it was safer and easier to try and make it on their own than live inside a home where at times it probably felt more like a torture chamber than a home. Brother Bill and all four of my sisters were so different but awesome in each their own way. I have so many wonderful memories of each one. All four of my sisters and brother Bill are all gone now and again I wish they each could have wrote their own blog and shared some of their own memories. The loss of my sisters and oldest brother and of course mom is kind of like losing a part of my own body and soul. "Though my body still breathe's and has life, there are parts that are now empty and void! But I don't fear dying, I fear not living each moment of each day!"

Around 1960 my oldest sister and my brother-in-law had bought this very small house for mom which had belonged to my grandfather before he died. It was a 2 car garage converted into a very small house. It had two tiny bedrooms, one larger front room which was the kitchen, dining room, and living room all in one. In one corner there was a hand pump for water with a small sink, across the room was a fuel oil burner for heat. Many cold mornings we would run out of the bedroom and get close to the heater. We heated water on the stove in order to take a bath. Across the driveway was the outhouse which I remember being tons of fun in the middle of winter! Frost bite in the winter, spiders in the summer. Playing sports along with physical-education class at school allowed me to have a nice warm shower which felt so good and so much better than bathing in a galvanized washtub. In this small house is where us 4 younger boys graduated from high school. After mom's divorce was final she was able to go on Government assistance and got a small check each month along with dental and health care. So with this small check, health care, and food commodities mom was happier and our lives improved. Mom was thankful but her desire was to someday make it on her own. And she did! I thank God our government was there at that difficult time for us. I strongly believe a government that helps take care of the least of its people, is a Godly government! Heck, a community of people that takes care of those in need is where my Lord lives! Religion is about building a bigger church, a bigger congregation, and fancier pew pads. While a simple faith in the living God moves us to lend a hand to our family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers!!

"From Mountain Top to Deep Valley"

For the fourth start year we started in a new school, this time I was in fourth grade. Our home life was much better, but school really sucked. I'm still not sure why we were looked at as outsiders, but to the other students we were. Picked on and bullied you learn to fight, or run, or avoid some people, and I guess I learned to do them all. It didn't take long for this 10 year old to get tired of fighting, running, and so I avoided school all together. Mom had only a third grade education so she couldn't help with homework and I didn't confide in her about being bullied. I failed 5th grade and things really sucked then. I hated school so much! And then one day at recess my life changed in a single moment of time. I remember as if it was yesterday. I was standing by the corner of the playground away from all the other kids and a football came rolling over to me. Some of the boys were yelling for me to throw it back and I picked it up and kicked it to them. The ball sailed over their heads and they looked back at me with shocked faces. Well in those few seconds that it took to pick up the ball and kick it I became  some kind of a hero. I was being mugged and hugged and asked to join their team. I wasn't wanted or excepted until they knew I could help their team, in many ways life hasn't changed much for kids today, and in the daily lives of so many adults. My struggles in the classroom continued, but on the athletic field I was seen as sort of a king. I was often chosen to be captain of a team and had to pick from my classmates. My days of being bullied and feeling alone must have helped me when I chose my teams. I had this classmate who was different and often would be the last one picked. Harold was smart, quite and not athletic. Another classmate, Doug, had a learning disability and was slow and awkward.  Both Harold and Doug were good sized kids so I picked them for my basketball teammates! We kicked butt and I look back with a smile on my face and even more the smile on their faces. I learned at an early age to care for the underdog because I was one. Last time I saw Harold was in 1978 at my one and only class reunion and he was well educated and working and  living  in downtown Minneapolis. I found out he was gay and now everything from our years in school made sense. Last I heard of Doug was many years ago and he was still home on his parents farm, happy and content. I now believe Doug and Harold along with many others, were lamp posts, brought into my life to shine a light on my path. Even in my deepest struggles those lamp posts from my past were shining a light on me. At times throughout my life I have wandered in the darkness, but the light, maybe only a flicker at times, was always there.

In middle school I played basketball, football, and baseball. School work remained very difficult with math being my strongest class. I was so scared to speak in front of the class and in 7th grade I started to stutter. To this very day I have moments when its difficult to speak. Basketball was my favorite sport and in my sophomore and junior years I was the leading scorer on the team. (I've attended many games as a parent and friend. I love to watch youth sports. I imagine that comes from no family member ever coming to one of  my games. I believe support and encouragement is so important to our children in all they do!) It was in the end of my junior year when things started to go sour. I started chasing with the wrong guys. Alcohol and partying started and I have many regrets from those decisions. My basketball coach, Norm Stolley, wrote me a personal letter and told me I was good enough to maybe get a 3D scholarship! But for me the partying continued and in my senior year there was no basketball. Even the cheerleaders cornered my begging for me to join the team. Shame and guilt haunts me today! Upon graduation Mrs Axum handed me my diploma and said. "We debated if we should give you this"! They did but those words still haunt me! Because of my decision, college never happened!

Next post will be more difficult. From a broken marriage to a two week stint in the psych ward!

Looking back I probably should not be here. I realize now I'm here because God wants me to be here and hopefully shed some light on abuse and mental illness!

Blessings to all who read this, Darrell   (Brother Joe)

A note to my young friends who are mom's and dad's. My faith in God is from my stepping into this awesome world of living color. I try to encourage everyone, but especially you parents to stop, step back from your busy human made schedules and walk beside your kids. Walking is just a whole better way to show God's love than just talking!