"Rear View Mirror"

Why a blog? After many conversations, life-changing journey's into God's amazing world of living color, along with a lifetime of struggles and joys, I've been encouraged to tell my stories and share with family and friends things many feel but can't express! 

Why Hermano Joe?  Hermano Joe is my name south of the border. Spanish speaking people have a hard time with the R's and L's of Darrell so I just said "Call me Joe"! Over time it became "Brother Joe"!

I decided to write this blog to try an explain to my family and friends my lifelong journey beginning from my earliest memories. Over time I will reveal stories and journey's that will help describe how this crazy old retired bus driver became so CRAZY! Stories from a difficult childhood to stories of looking out the windshield of the bus. Stories about how I found God or maybe how God found me! I'll try and tell how I felt about being a dad, becoming a man of faith, and why I now journey to places some try to avoid! Some things you may laugh about, some things you may get angry about, and there are things few people know about me and because of that I write this blog. The words you will read are from an anxious spirit and tested soul and together I'll try and tell what is really on my heart. This blog is entirely my blog, and I and only I will take full responsibility for it! Please realize this blog is about my life's experiences and its not about right and wrong, black and white, true or false. My life has much more gray and so many unanswered questions. For the only real truth I have is "There is a God, and that God is alive in all people"! We each encounter life in our own way. My hope is this blog may help others to open up and step out of their own human made traps and snares!  If you would like to ask me any question please text, e-mail, call, or FB me, or respond with a comment below! 

At times in our lives we all look into the ""rear view mirror" of our lives. We all will find times of smiles, joyful memories, and awesome hugs and stories. We will also find not so joyful memories, and times of tears and times of brokenness. Most people do fine and with the help of family and friends they move forward and patch the pot holes they have encountered.  But there are some who suffer such deep trauma and without help become handcuffed to the rear view mirror! Depression, confusion, shame, guilt, and self destruction develops! Some try to shrug it off and continue on, some live all their lives in brokenness not knowing what is wrong or where to go, while others desire to just bury it in a bottle! I tried the bottle, a few drugs, and for the past 30+ years I tried hard to forget and live a normal life. But my rear view mirror was my constant companion. Struggles and problems from years ago have haunted me and nearly drove me mad. Not one night goes by without me crying out to God and feeling a deep loneliness!

Many of my family and friends have asked about me, worried about me, and just want to know more about this strange retired bus driver. Why do I put on a meal in South Minneapolis for the disadvantaged? Why do I journey to places like Haiti, Guatemala, Mexico? Why do I stand alongside and support the mom's and women of this world? And why do I believe God is she as much as he? I'll try and explain the many reason's for my actions and beliefs. Some people think I'm nuts, many just don't understand me, and there are those who just want to give advice and fix things! But for some things there are no answer! Those who have taken time to know me understand the very depth of my faith and my motivation to love and hug all of God's people, especially children, and how my past has laid a foundation for the man I am today, both good and bad! My intentions for writing this blog is to put into words the great joys and the very long struggle I've encountered. After a near spiritual and emotional breakdown I sought help a couple years ago and my therapist has helped me tremendously. It is her nudge and encouragement that calls me to write this blog. No one knows about my first 30 years of life. I have no contact from anyone from those years, except a couple brothers. Some know a few things, and some think they know but don't! The deep struggles ate away at me. Shame, guilt were my constant companions! Things happened then that lie under the surface and caused serious emotional, spiritual, and sexual problems throughout my life. You don't have to believe this, you can judge me, (But ONLY God can really judge anyone) or you can just say its bull-shit and not read more. But I will try to be as honest and as open as I can. There are some things only the Lord and I know, and it needs to stay that way. 

My hope is to write a post every few weeks and I plan to start with my very first memories, for many of my beautiful nieces and nephews and great-nieces and nephews know little about the early years of our family so this maybe some living history for them. I'm done with man's religion, although I have a very deep faith in God. I judge no one because only God can judge me. I love my kids dearly and double love my grandson, but intimate love is non existent. Most every night I lie in bed alone and cry out to God, for only God can heal a heart and soul. Upon telling my story I hope to find some sort of peace from the nightmares and long struggles. To move forward and finish my life walking in the alley's of people's lives. Its easy to walk on the mountain tops of our lives together and see clearly and yell loudly, but to walk alongside someone in the dark valley's takes spiritual eyes, still ears, listening for God's whisper! The very power and meaning of "Being Present"! To "forgive" someone for the pain they have caused you is one thing, to ask for forgiveness for the pain you have caused someone else is another, but to ask yourself to forgive yourself for the pains you have caused is quite another. There are many problems that cause depression, chemical dependency, homelessness, and suicide, but I believe the inability to forgive one's self is close to the top. 

To end my first post I just want to say, everyone needs a 2 A.M. friend to confide in! Someone you can call at 2 A.M. when life crashes down on you. Truth is I'm still looking for that friend! Please understand I have many awesome friends who have sat and talked with me and want to be my 2 A.M. friend. But the real issue is inside me, like many people who live on the fringes of every society, my ability to love and trust has been impossible. I have a very, very difficult time letting anyone come in close contact with my heart and soul! The fortress or tomb is impenetrabe! The world is filled with those on the outside of religion who live in their own human made fortress and for whatever reason I find myself trying to bridge that gap from those on the inside to those on the outside! At any time if you would like to meet for coffee an talk or walk let me know. I've seen the hand-cuffs of not talking and the pain of not knowing. Please remember that many live out their lives not talking or telling their story, and many are our friends, family, co-workers, and the lady next door. Life's stories need to be told. The presence of an ear is a powerful thing!

Peace & Blessings until next time, Darrell   (Hermano Joe)